I know I am being tested this week...I am trying to handle it all with seeking God's will, prayer and staying positive. Short version of what is going on is that 1) Jax is really sick. It honestly doesn't look good, but I pray that he pulls through this and I have more time. 2) I am not pregnant again this month, but it just wasn't time for a little Benson. I try to remember, it isn't about our plans or timing...but sometimes in the back of my mind, I think, "I'm not getting any younger here." 3) You know I have talked about things with my "real dad" on here before and how I was praying about it. Well, one thing I have learned is that God doesn't always answer our prayer the way WE think he should. He sometimes has a different plan than us.
I am just going to let this out. What has always made me the saddest about Neal and I not speaking or having a relationship, was the fact that I lost my grandparents too. Very shortly after Neal and I parted ways, my favorite grandpa passed away. There are regrets and a sadness there that words cannot express. This man meant everything to me and to this day I don't know what he heard or knew about what happened with me and Neal. My grandpa is the first person I want to see when I get to heaven. This I know for sure. My granny is still here though. And, my biggest shame in life is that we drifted apart and don't have a relationship. It was hard at first because the only time I was in her hometown was the holidays, and I couldn't go see her because Neal was there. So, we kept in touch through letters. I totally admit that the reason the letters stopped was because it got too hard. It got to where every letter was my granny begging me to have a relationship with Neal again. The letters slowly just became a yearly Christmas card. And that is where we are now. In praying for forgiveness for Neal (not a relationship), I think God is trying to give me back my granny. I don't know...but it seems He is clearing a path. But it is so hard after all this time. The memories are hard. The shame is hard. In some ways, I want to just to put it all neatly away and forget about it. But that would be the easy way out. It is the trials and the tests that are difficult to wade through but make us the people we become.
I do need all your prayers. I need to have the strength to possibly say goodbye to my best buddy (although my prayer is more time, more time, & even more time with him!). I need to understand when we are not pregnant that it just wasn't in His timing yet. And I need strength & understanding in this family situation.
Usually starting back to school week is such a happy time...this year is a lot thrown at me at once.