Sunday, October 11, 2009

Honesty

I have debated on if I should talk about this or just keep on keeping it under wraps...but anytime I have let my struggles out, it never fails, someone has emailed and had the same struggle and it helped them. So - maybe talking/typing this out will help someone else or help me get back to being ME! I have said before that I have struggled with depression once before in my past right after my divorce. I have also said that I never, ever want to go through that again. I don't think I am necessarily depressed right now, but I know enough from having been there before to know I am walking a fine line. I could easily fall into it. I am fighting everyday to stay on this side of it and each day I am afraid I am going to fail and let myself sink. Letting myself sink into it would be the easy thing to do because honestly right now each day is a struggle. I am doing everything I can to fight it - I am too busy to let myself lay around and sleep (which is what I did before). Everyday I try to write down a Bible verse to help me through the day. I also think about all the good things and things I am thankful for. I am doing all that and reading my Bible every night and praying for strength.
I feel like a juggler with too many balls in the air and most days I seem to be dropping at least one or two of the balls. I have all the housework, my masters projects, my internship hours, a husband, a puppy, a classroom, bills to pay that we barely scrape by each month, helping Kevin start a business, driving Kevin everywhere he needs to go....I can't do it all. I am doing the best I can, but it doesn't seem to be good enough. I do want to say that I am super grateful for Nancy and Jill - two friends that without them the past few months, I would have sunk. They seem to be the only ones that "get" what I am dealing with and understand and try to help. I know part of it is that I am not good at asking for help. I am sometimes too independent for my own good. I need to let go ... and I have a lot - my house is wreck on a good day. That ball gets dropped every day! I am exhausted. I am hopeful that now that Kevin can drive (as of Friday - woohoo), that things will improve some. Right now, I am working all day and working in a library after work and often after a 10 hour day, having to come home and get Kevin where he needed to be or help him with catering errands. It has been crazy exhausting. This last semester of my masters is going to kill me. I think I now know first hand what a panic attack is - on Wednesday, I sat in Nancy's office floor trying to catch my breath and crying-saying"I can't handle everything I have to do." Thank God for Nancy - she listened and prayed right there with me. I know without God in my life right now, I would have already sunk back into depression.
I have tried to cover and not show that I am weighted down. I have tried to leave all my work at work so I can spend time with Kevin & Stella when I am home. I don't know if that's a good plan or not because I don't think Kevin sees how overwhelmed I am. I just want my life back - I want to laugh and not have a million things I need to do when I leave work. I want to leave work at work. I haven't laughed in a long time. I don't get to do what I want to do. Have you ever read the book "The Giving Tree"? That's what I feel like - I got nothing else to give. I really do feel bad that I don't have time to call friends or just chat...I am always thinking about all the obligations I need to be doing next. I just can't relax. Even when Kevin was gone camping last weekend, I worked all weekend because I didn't have to feel guilty about it and could get a lot done. I just don't know what to do to make life go back to happy. I don't want to wait 55 days to be happy. I want it NOW! ...it is heavy and I am praying to let it all go. I know we all have burdens and things that drag us down. I am not always good about letting people in but I am letting you in now - pray for me please. Help me stay positive and win this battle. I am going to focus on the good. The good news right now is that one load has been lifted - Kevin can drive again. His insurance was cheaper than we thought too! And, he is doing good - my struggles have nothing to do with Kevin. This is about me.
So, now, it's out and in the open - I am not wonder woman. Turns out I can't do it all.
From now until I graduate and get some normalcy back to my life and schedule, I am going to post one thing a day that I am grateful for - you will just have to deal with it! :-)

Today I am grateful I passed my Praxis II. Whew! Without it, my masters would be worthless.
**55 days until I have my masters.

4 comments:

Tasha said...

Stress can get you every time. I don't want to tell you to hang in there, because I know you already are..Writing a bible verse each day is a good idea, it will keep you focused..focus on the end. 55 days until your masters, well thats less than 2 months, and thats like 8 weeks. Think of small dates in between...If theres something further away like Christmas...I think ok, I have Halloween in 2 weeks, then Alanna's birthday in a month and then after that is Thanksgiving and then holy cow its Christmas...
Before you know it, 55 days will be a breeze :)
Hope this rambling helps.

Brian said...

I know what your going through I have had stress all my life and look were it has got me Crohns disease I will have to take a pill for the rest of my life. You know really if you think about it me and you dont have it so bad you have a great job, people who love being around u, your family loves you and at the end of the day thats all that matters, I have found that through life struggles it only makes us stronger when all the wait of the world is on our shoulders you have to find a way to get rid of it, with me its working out it makes me feel good about myself and it also relieves stress and little by little things are not so pressing, you will have to find your way out whether it be something u love to do to get your mind off things I know you love to scrapbook, maybe voluteer at childrens hospital to make you realize you dont have it so bad b/c you have it better than most, I give my right arm to have a Masters Degree, but i didnt get the brains of the family,I know life is rough but you will have to set problems aside and say "What makes me happy!" I can see all the good in you and I know you will go far so dont let life get you down because we all go through hardships its what you let get you down is the problem. There is so many things I could tell you about my life struggles so just know I am here for you, I love you and we can make it through this together.

RoozGal said...

Bless your heart. I think the important thing to remember is that you are not alone. I believe sometimes we all get boggled down by life...stress of getting things done, the bills paid, etc. I told my mom just recently that I wanted to move home and let her take care of everything...the laundry...the meals...the worry...just like she used to. Life was so much easier as a teenager with no responsibility. I know it's little comfort to you, but try to remember that there are others who have it worse off. You have your health and a family who loves you. You're just going through a rough patch...things will look up soon. What you need is something to look forward to! When's the next girl's scrap night?! Call/text/email if you want to talk. xoxoxox

Lindsey said...

I've been on that fine line many times. And you're right, you CAN'T do it all. Tasha is right, focus on smaller things (Halloween) that will give you little goals to get to. When is your next scrap night or dinner with your ladies? That always seems to put a smile on your face. Keep praying, these days until you get your masters is done will be here soon!! I remember being SUPER overwhelmed last spring with being 8 months prego, masters work weighing me down, construction in our basement, the impending thoughts of parenthood scaring me, and going to work and teaching all day every day on top of the other millions of responsibilities at work, and then the housework, OH the housework that never ends even when things are clean!! You will get through this Lori and when your time is more free, you will appreciate it more than you even have. Keep your eyes on the prize girl!! I commented that question about penpals before I read this post, so I'm canceling my request to do penpals until AFTER Christmas, and even then, ONLY if you can fit it in. I don't want to put more on your already crowded plate!! Love ya girl! Things will even out soon and you will look back at this time and be thankful that you are through it:)