I have debated on if I should talk about this or just keep on keeping it under wraps...but anytime I have let my struggles out, it never fails, someone has emailed and had the same struggle and it helped them. So - maybe talking/typing this out will help someone else or help me get back to being ME! I have said before that I have struggled with depression once before in my past right after my divorce. I have also said that I never, ever want to go through that again. I don't think I am necessarily depressed right now, but I know enough from having been there before to know I am walking a fine line. I could easily fall into it. I am fighting everyday to stay on this side of it and each day I am afraid I am going to fail and let myself sink. Letting myself sink into it would be the easy thing to do because honestly right now each day is a struggle. I am doing everything I can to fight it - I am too busy to let myself lay around and sleep (which is what I did before). Everyday I try to write down a Bible verse to help me through the day. I also think about all the good things and things I am thankful for. I am doing all that and reading my Bible every night and praying for strength.
I feel like a juggler with too many balls in the air and most days I seem to be dropping at least one or two of the balls. I have all the housework, my masters projects, my internship hours, a husband, a puppy, a classroom, bills to pay that we barely scrape by each month, helping Kevin start a business, driving Kevin everywhere he needs to go....I can't do it all. I am doing the best I can, but it doesn't seem to be good enough. I do want to say that I am super grateful for Nancy and Jill - two friends that without them the past few months, I would have sunk. They seem to be the only ones that "get" what I am dealing with and understand and try to help. I know part of it is that I am not good at asking for help. I am sometimes too independent for my own good. I need to let go ... and I have a lot - my house is wreck on a good day. That ball gets dropped every day! I am exhausted. I am hopeful that now that Kevin can drive (as of Friday - woohoo), that things will improve some. Right now, I am working all day and working in a library after work and often after a 10 hour day, having to come home and get Kevin where he needed to be or help him with catering errands. It has been crazy exhausting. This last semester of my masters is going to kill me. I think I now know first hand what a panic attack is - on Wednesday, I sat in Nancy's office floor trying to catch my breath and crying-saying"I can't handle everything I have to do." Thank God for Nancy - she listened and prayed right there with me. I know without God in my life right now, I would have already sunk back into depression.
I have tried to cover and not show that I am weighted down. I have tried to leave all my work at work so I can spend time with Kevin & Stella when I am home. I don't know if that's a good plan or not because I don't think Kevin sees how overwhelmed I am. I just want my life back - I want to laugh and not have a million things I need to do when I leave work. I want to leave work at work. I haven't laughed in a long time. I don't get to do what I want to do. Have you ever read the book "The Giving Tree"? That's what I feel like - I got nothing else to give. I really do feel bad that I don't have time to call friends or just chat...I am always thinking about all the obligations I need to be doing next. I just can't relax. Even when Kevin was gone camping last weekend, I worked all weekend because I didn't have to feel guilty about it and could get a lot done. I just don't know what to do to make life go back to happy. I don't want to wait 55 days to be happy. I want it NOW! ...it is heavy and I am praying to let it all go. I know we all have burdens and things that drag us down. I am not always good about letting people in but I am letting you in now - pray for me please. Help me stay positive and win this battle. I am going to focus on the good. The good news right now is that one load has been lifted - Kevin can drive again. His insurance was cheaper than we thought too! And, he is doing good - my struggles have nothing to do with Kevin. This is about me.
So, now, it's out and in the open - I am not wonder woman. Turns out I can't do it all.
From now until I graduate and get some normalcy back to my life and schedule, I am going to post one thing a day that I am grateful for - you will just have to deal with it! :-)
Today I am grateful I passed my Praxis II. Whew! Without it, my masters would be worthless.
**55 days until I have my masters.