Sunday, April 25, 2010

Emotional roller coaster

**Warning: IF there are any male readers, this definitely qualifies as a woman only post. Unless you want to read about ovulation and cycles, I'd come back tomorrow!
That is the best descriptor of this baby journey we are on....emotional roller coaster. It is up and down, up and down, up and down. People who have been on this journey know exactly what I am talking about. You have your "fun week", but let's face it, the "fun" is functional and for a purpose now. Peeing on sticks every morning and having certain days that you must have "fun", just kind of changes things a bit! ha! Then, you wait. To me, the hardest week is the week of "is this it? will I start? am I pregnant?" You analyze every symptom and sign. And, most symptoms and signs that you are starting are also symptoms and signs that you could be pregnant. Well, this past week has been a week full of hope, followed by disappointment and then renewed hope. And, today the wait was finally over! CrAzY! Let's just say that I have a pretty consistent pattern over the past year. It goes like this - day 23/24, next month day 26/27, then back to day 23/24, and back to day 26/27. You get the drift? FOR A WHOLE YEAR! And, for an entire year, I have not had a cycle past 27 days. This month was supposed to be a day 23/24 month. It came and went. Day 27 came and went. Day 28 came and went. Negative pregnancy tests. Then, some spotting but not my period. I was disappointed. Sure this meant no, not this month, but unsure about when to start my clomid. So, I called the doctor's office and talked to the nurse. She said even with negative tests, I could be pregnant and not to start the medicine but I had to wait it out 2 weeks and they would do a blood test. Not to give up hope!! Ok...hopes back up. Same results for next few days. I am almost a whole week late but with negative tests. I make it all the way to day 31 - today - and start. In the middle of Sunday school no less! And then during church, God puts the most precious chubby baby right in front of me! I bawled on at least 3 occasions, but feel that God wouldn't be making this desire stronger if it weren't what He wanted. So, even though I am disappointed, I praise Him for my wait. Without His love and strength, I couldn't survive this journey or any other. My current Bible study says when God brings waiting periods into your life it is for only one reason: so that you can test-drive your faith.
Pray that I continue to search for His will in this journey and if a baby isn't what He wants for us, that He remove the desire from our hearts.
Thanks for listening. This has been a rough few days. I know that some of you endured this journey for 3 years and more...all I can say is wow! I do have a whole new admiration for you!


Tasha said...

Hang in their Lori. God will give you a baby when the time is right.

Becca B. said...

I was not only behind on blogging, but on reading bogs as well...I just now read this, on Thurday afternoon. And after getting your email today, I just stared crying as I read. Your pain is so clear.

I am in no way saying that you should quit tryuing to get pregnant, I think you and Kevin could make a beautiful baby...but as you continue this journey, and continue praying for God to show you His will, keep your heart and mind open to all the things God may have in store for you...a baby of your own, that you and Kevin concieve and you carry may be the desire of God's heart for you...but, even if God doesn't have it in the plans for you to carry a child, He may still be fueling your desire to "have" a baby. There are so many kids (babies too) that need loving, Godly parents and forever homes...
There are just many ways to become a mom, and you need to pray for God to show you the one He desires for you guys.

Lindsey said...

I'm so behind on blog reading. I'm hugging you right now!