Thursday, May 13, 2010

Up and Down

That is the best description of my emotions lately. I think probably clomid or no clomid my emotions would be on a roller coaster. This baby journey is just reaching a point where it is taking a toil. And, let me start by saying, I am praying. This WILL NOT destroy my faith....I will rely on Jesus more, not less. Prayer is how I am surviving. But, I have discovered that when I can get through the day without talking about anything baby related or seeing a cute baby, then I am ok. I can almost put it all out of my mind. Now, keep in mind this is coming from a non-baby person. I have never been one of those people who sees someones baby and wants one. Nor have I ever gotten the urge to have one just because my best friend has a baby. I have never been a "baby person." Now, throw a 2 year old at me with some rolly polly legs and we are talking! ha! But seriously, to now go from not being a baby person to seeing one and crying. Ummmm....things are changing. And, it would seem to me that God is making the desire stronger rather than weaker. Right? I don't know. I seem to know nothing these days. I am just getting from day to day and trying to let this all go to God. Every morning I am praying for Him to take this from me. Take the worry and the doubt. I am praying for Him to show me how to give it all to him. Show me how to surrender it. I want to. Desperately. And, just when I think I am making progress. Something will happen and I am a crying mess. Let me give you an example of how insensitive some people can be. Here is an actual conversation between me and a neighbor and keep in mind each of us were standing in our driveways so it is being yelled across the front yard. Neighbor: "Hey Lori! You pregnant yet?" Me: "Not yet." Neighbor: "Well what's wrong with you?" Seriously? I wish I knew what the hold up was...but I am not going to yell it across the yard to you! The conversation didn't end there...I did walk a little closer to keep all the neighbors from hearing our business (like it matters since I blast it all over the internet! ha). Sadly, she isn't the first person to ask "well, what's wrong with you?" Jeez...I hope she's the last though. I don't know what's wrong with me. I don't know if anything is wrong with me. But I think about it enough without someone asking me.
I am just having a 'down day' with the baby stuff...and we even took this month 'off' due to all the stress from it that was causing us to fight. I don't want our marriage to suffer because of this. So, we took a break from it. I just wish I could escape it daily. I wish I could go somewhere - just me and Kevin and relax and escape the world.

Keep the prayers coming and thanks for listening to me get it out of my system yet again!

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