Thursday, October 28, 2010

Raw Feelings

It hits out of the blue...the emptiness feeling that comes with infertility and wondering IF you will ever get to be a mom. It's quotes you hear or things on tv or the Upward video of the cute kids at church...something causes the pang in your chest. The one where you ache because you wonder what if...what if I don't get to be a mom. What if no one ever calls me mom? What if I never get to experience that love? I hate when I feel this way because most of the time I have hope. And quite honestly, even with all my female issues lately, I have been doing really good. God has really answered my prayers about being able to enjoy and be happy for all my friends that are having babies. Is it bad though that I wish my best friend lived closer so I could just "share" her baby with her? I'm not kidding...I mean, if I can't have my own, I could just share hers. Right? :) See, I can joke through the tears...
You know, or maybe you don't, but when someone new tells me they are pregnant, I feel genuine happiness for them. But I wonder IF it's ever going to be me that gets to have that announcement...there is now a fourth teacher that I work with that is expecting. And, she very sweetly and with such an open heart told me first before everyone started finding out because she knew of our struggles. Before this, I kind of rebelled against people feeling the need to single to me out to "make sure I was ok" with them being pregnant. It kind of makes you feel on the spot and pressured to have a certain reaction. But, now I have mixed feelings about that and it could be the way she did it - in such a caring and heartfelt way. I know she is praying for me and Kevin and so many others are too. It's just hard sometimes...maybe harder being a teacher and seeing kids being neglected or parents that are too busy for their kids. It's hard knowing there are parents out there that don't even want their kids and it doesn't seem like we can have one.
ok...I've had my cry...now I'm turning it back over to God and trying my best to leave it in His hands...thanks for listening (again).

3 comments:

Vader's Mom said...

I can't imagine what it's like to go through, but I love you and I pray for you daily.

Lindsey said...

Aww Lori I am constantly praying for you and Kevin. I don't know the feelings that you are experiencing but I can only imagine how hard it is and how strong you both are because of your belief in GOD. I know hugs don't make it better but I'm sending some!

Janet Payne Benson said...

I just "re-found" your blog. Had bookmarked it when you and Kevin first married, then lost the bookmark. I pray for you guys so often. My mother could never have a baby, but God so wonderfully blessed me the day that my biological mother, who was unmarried, decided to give me up for adoption. He placed me with the most wonderful parents I could ever have asked for. I'm praying that God will bless you with children, if it is His will, in His way and His time, so that He will be glorified. You and Kevin hold such a special place in my heart, and I will continue to pray for you both! Much love, Janet