Sunday, May 8, 2011

In a funk

That's the best descriptor of my day. I have been a worthless blob of depression today. I have come to hate mother's day (sorry mom!). I have to gear myself up for it. Granted, at least this year I didn't half run out of church bawling like last year. Last year was horrible. I walked in to being the only woman in my Sunday School class because everyone else was at a Mother's day breakfast. Not good! I doubt anyone reading this that has kids can even begin to comprehend the feelings that today would bring for someone that is struggling to have a child. There is just no way to even describe the feelings that come up out of nowhere. Today is a day that is like a slap in the face that I may truly never be a mom. Let's be realistic. We can't afford all the medical bills that go with infertility and no agency is going to pass us to adopt - not that we could afford that either. Yes, I am Debbie Downer today. And, I get that right to be Debbie Downer every now and then. Today has been a crappy day all around. I just can't help but wonder why God doesn't want me to be a mom. Why? What does He have in store for me? Is there something else I am supposed to do? I just don't get it.
I read somewhere when you are down in the dumps, you need to stop and praise God for at least 5 things. 5 things a day until you start looking up again. So, here is my 5 for today.
I am grateful for MY mom. I am grateful she passed on her love of animals to me. I am grateful she has become a friend as well as my mom. I am grateful she and Kevin have a good relationship. I am grateful she is always just a phone call away. Love you Mom! *Sidenote - please understand that this post is for me and help me journal my feelings and get things out. Even though you may mean well, please don't send any encouraging emails about what I need to do or don't need to do or feel regarding being a mom or getting pregnant. I can't handle it right now. If you want to help, just pray for us. That's all we need. Thanks for understanding!