Thursday, September 29, 2011

The unknown worries...

What gets left out of updates and doctor reports is the day to day stress and worries that infertility leaves you with. It consumes your life. We are now entering the final stages of this journey, and it is impossible NOT to think about it daily. Why? Because you are either at the doctor, calling the doctor, waiting on a call from the doctor, or getting ready to go to the doctor! It starts to become your life - whether you like it or not. And, there is a catch-22 to letting people in on your journey. On the one hand, we need the prayers. On the other hand, there are many days and times when you just don't want to talk about it. You just want to be normal. Most of the time when you leave the doctor - good report or bad - you just need to breathe and take it in. Some people just get it. It's amazing how some have that sensitivity - even if they haven't been through it. And, some are just so clueless that quite frankly, you want to slap them. We don't need to hear things like "if you would just relax it would happen" or "what's wrong with you? why aren't you pregnant yet" or "here's what you need to do..."(really? because we've pretty much already tried all that!! thanks!). I will be honest, there are times, when even though you know it's wrong, you can't help but look at the mom yelling at Wal-Mart with the dirty, snotty nose kid and think "Really? Why does she get to be a mom and I don't?" Or the teenage mom that was recently arrested and they took her toddler from her when they found the house full of dog and human feces. Seriously? She gets to be a mom? And I might not? I KNOW I am not supposed to look at other people's journeys and only focus on mine. But I am human. Sometimes you have those thoughts. Then, there is the guilt. My poor husband is shouldering the fact that we are struggling because of his "swimmers". Oh, how I wanted that burden to be on me. But it's not. And, he is heartbroken and feels like this is all his fault. While I think it is a blessing we are only having trouble from one side and not both. And of course, there is the all consuming money concern. How in the world are we going to come up with $14,000? And then basically, put it on red? I mean, we have a 40% of success with IVF at $14,000 a pop. How do you get that out of the back of your mind? If I were in Vegas would I take that bet? NO!!! With those odds? NO WAY! But, with it being my only chance to be a mom, will I take those odds? You bet ya! I will find a way. If we have to take a second mortgage out on the house and live in debt for the rest of our lives. I'm taking the bet. I want to be a mom. I just never knew it would be such a wild ride to get there! We are both stressed and need a little prayer and some relief. Kevin's blood pressure is through the roof. My anxiety level is pretty high. We need prayer. We always appreciate your thoughts and prayers. But here is a request...I know you love us, but this is about to become a daily journey/battle, please check for updates here on the blog. It keeps me from having to talk about it over and over and reliving it. It is our way of sharing with you when we are ready. Let us bring it up to you rather than asking about it. Only because there are days when we are barely holding it together. And there are days when we are an open book. We love you and we are praying for a happy ending to this journey and understanding for why we are going through it. We know that God has a plan and it is in motion. We may not understand it, but we trust it.

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

The latest word...

Here is what I had done today:
Hysterosalpingogram (HSG) - Radiographic contrast dye is injected through the cervix into the uterus and fallopian tubes. This x-ray evaluates the shape of the uterine cavity and determines whether or not the fallopian tubes are open. The procedure is performed in the radiology department.

Uterine cramping usually occurs during the dye injection. This resolves within a few minutes of completing the procedure. Occasionally, patients may experience some dizziness or lightheadedness immediately after the procedure. This usually lasts only a few minutes. You can expect to be in the radiology department for about 45 minutes for this procedure.

See that last line? The one about 45 minutes? That's not true. The rest is true. It wasn't pleasant, but it only took about 10 minutes for the actual procedure. I took my ibuprofen an hour before my scheduled appointment like they said, but I'm pretty sure by the time I actually got in, it had worn off. Oh well, it's over. Two yay's from today: I only had to pay $20 today!!! And, my tubes are clear!! Whoot!

On to the next step....



Monday, September 26, 2011

Infertility update 365

The latest is that after much frustration from playing phone tag...oh wait, that is when people actually call you BACK when you leave messages. So, let me start over. After a week of trying to get anyone to answer a phone and set up an appointment, I am finally set for the dye test tomorrow to make sure my tubes are open.
Say a little prayer please! My nerves are about fried dealing with balancing all this and school and we are barely into it! Of course, it would help if people called me back! Just sayin.....

Sunday, September 25, 2011

20 year Reunion!

I can't believe we have been out of high school for 20 years, but we have!! This weekend was our 20 year reunion and with Kevin being the class President, that meant he was in charge. So...it has been a little stressful planning it all and may have caused an argument or two, BUT it was worth it! We had a great time this weekend, even with the small turn out. We graduated with almost 150 and about 35 of us came, but it was a good time and I don't regret doing it. But I am glad to have it checked off the ole to-do list! :)


We went to the football game Friday night. Cave City (coached by one of our classmates) vs. Newport. Then, Saturday, we had a fish fry at Jacksonport on the White River. After that, everyone separated for the Hog game. Then, we had the dinner and dancing at the Country Club Saturday night. I was so proud of Kevin - he was a designated sober driver for the first time in his life!! Awesomeness!! :)
And, this pretty much sums up my husbands weekend...he loved on everyone rather they wanted it or not. Gave me a break, so I have no complaints! ha!


Hard to believe how many classmates we have lost already. Sad! I thought Tammy did a good job with the decorations and the memorial.

Thursday, September 22, 2011

Failed

Ok, so I didn't do a very good job at turning it over yesterday. In a series of events yesterday afternoon, I crumbled. But, rather than skip Bible Study, I went right on to church puffy eyes and all. And, even had to leave the room once for one good last cry. But what better place to be when your heart is breaking?
Today, I WILL do better about handing it over and not worrying. Today, I will try my best to have a normal day. It is hard when you have a cell phone strapped to you at all times waiting for doctor's to call back, but I am determined.

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Turning it over...

I don't know why I have to be given this lesson over and over. My momma always said I was hardheaded. :) But, I am giving over all fertility/fertility money issues to God. Handing it over. Bye Bye. That's right! I mean, He knows what He is doing! He put me right where I need to be and has over and over. Today when I was still at work at 6pm and happy to be there, I knew that God was in control. I felt so incredibly blessed to have a job that I love and coworkers that I love who inspire me daily. Thank you Jesus for pushing me out of my comfort zone and letting me see once again not to be afraid of change!

Jeremiah 29:11

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Monday, September 19, 2011

Infertility update

Good news: The cysts on my ovary are functional cysts. The good kind. Nothing to worry about. No surgery needed. Woohoo!
Blood work up is in progress, and Kevin will be taking in another "sample". Then, next week I get to have x-rays to make sure all my tubes are open. After we get all this information back, then we get to discuss what our options are...apparently they are still leaning towards the IVF side. And, I am trying not to focus on the money part when I have enough to worry about.
As for why I just skipped my cycle this month? Who knows? Maybe I just wanted to be pregnant so badly that I willed it away. Or, maybe I am like one of those dogs that has a false pregnancy. Before long, I'll be carrying dolls around thinking they are babies. I mean, I am sure there are cases where people have lost their minds from all this infertility business.
Thanks for the prayers, calls, and texts. I think I am retreating into my shell for awhile and just focusing on Jesus, and me and Big Bear.

Sunday, September 18, 2011

What I left out...

So here is the part I left out when I updated about our doctor appointment. We have been on a serious roller coaster ride around here. For whatever spiteful reason, my body decided to play a nasty trick on us. I skipped my cycle. Never happened before. Usually first sign of pregnancy and our hopes were WAY up! How awesome would it be to say that we didn't need the doctor's help after all and Jesus get ALL the glory?!? Pretty awesome! I had several other symptoms too, but we were getting negative urine tests. I think I took about 5 before we even saw Dr. Batres! Then, he did a blood test that came back negative. We still didn't give up hope because there are lots of women who get negative results and end up being pregnant. At about 20 days late, we were pretty certain I was pregnant. The medicine the doctor gave me to make me start my cycle was having no effect. I was tired. I was cranky. I had frequent urination. I had nausea. Yep, we were convinced. We were excited. We just knew. Then, Friday, our hopes were crushed. Our dream again shattered. Again, it wasn't meant to be. We prayed. We cried. We prayed some more. We leaned on some friends and family. And, yet, as crazy as it sounds, I still have a sliver of hope until after my doctor appointment tomorrow. I just can't give up. I mean, come on, how else would they be able to have a show about "I didn't even know I was pregnant." Seriously? It could happen!
Anyway - there you have it, for a few short weeks, we thought maybe. We were happy but yet scared to be happy. And, in the end, Big Bear took it really hard. I hurt more for him then for our crushed dream. It is hard to see a man cry. It breaks my heart. So, for now, I have to be strong and keep my chin up. I have an appointment tomorrow to see what is going on and get an ultrasound of my ovary with the cysts. Plus, have some pre-screening tests ran. And, so the infertility journey continues. I believe with all my heart that God is preparing us for something big. For a joy so huge that we can't even comprehend it. I believe we will be parents and our hearts will practically burst with all the love we have for our child. I believe....and I pray. Please pray for me tomorrow. And, say an extra prayer for my Big Bear. The emotions are on edge.

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Thank you!

It is really humbling just how many people are praying for us right now. There are no words that could possibly express how grateful we are. We love you and thank you!

James 5:16
Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective.


Keep praying those Benson Baby prayers! :)

Monday, September 12, 2011

Impossible?

Focus is KEY to the training process! Rex, are you listening?
No! Don't EAT the paper! Bring it to me!
That's it! Wait? No, this isn't chase! Bring it TO me!Ok, maybe you aren't a retriever, but you sure are CUTE!

Saturday, September 10, 2011

Infertility 101

**If you don't like too much information, then don't read! This is our journal of how we expand our family. And, the infertility blogs I have read that tell it like it is are most helpful. So, if you don't want to know "girl" stuff, then log off! You've been warned!**
I will do my best to explain our doctor appointment this week and what our next steps are but keep in mind that we left with a lot of information and a lot of "if this, then this" scenarios. So our heads were spinning when we left! Let me start off with the good stuff, then I will get to the stuff that concerned me.
First, insurance covered 80% of the visit! Yay! And, it will continue to cover 80% until we are officially labeled with the infertility label. So, all the screening and testing will be covered by insurance. One of the first things he told us was that due to our age of 38 and that we had been unsuccessful for 2 1/2 years, he was going to be very aggressive in our treatment. Basically, after 35, all the numbers start dropping more each year. Number of eggs produced. Percentage of getting pregnant. And, we all know the likelihood of a downs baby increases the older you get. The first area of concern are the cysts he found on one of my ovaries during the ultrasound. Here is the first of the "if then" cases. I have to go back on day 3 of my cycle for another ultrasound and testing. If the cysts turn out to be "good" cysts (apparently we create functional cysts every month...who knew?), then no worries. We proceed. However, if they aren't functional cysts, then priority number 1 is removal of the cysts. I will get to have surgery. Joy! And, of course, very worst case is cancer and removal of the ovary! Seriously, he takes you from best case functional cyst to worst case. No question left unanswered. Except that SO many are answered, you can't possibly remember it all! ha!
He is looking at Kevin's samples again. The part that concerns me here is that the sample he was looking at, made it seem to him that IVF (in vitro fertilization) would be the route to take rather than IUI (artificial insemination). BIG cost difference here! But, with the count he was looking at, he gave a 20% success rate with IUI at our age and a 40% of success with IVF at our age. Not sure the exact cost of IUI, but IVF runs $12,000 to $15,000. Wow...with a 40% chance of success. Makes you go hmmmm? I was all prepared to try the artificial insemination but I'm not sure how I feel about IVF. I have time to think about it though. One step (month) at a time.
Basically, when he saw the cysts, that became priority #1. So, I go back on day 3 of my cycle for them to re-evaluate those AND to have some additional tests done. After that, we see what step 2 is going to be.
If you see our name in the paper filing for bankruptcy shortly after our child is born, don't judge! :)
More to come after the next appointment...keep those baby prayers coming!

Thursday, September 8, 2011

Visitor

Kevin picked up a beagle pup on a busy highway tonight and Rex was IN LOVE! Once she got over being nervous, they played and ran and romped and had a big time. Rex should sleep good because she wore him out! (and yes, that is trash in the backyard - from the dogs getting in the trash can and yes, we need to mow. Don't judge! ha!) "Momma, I think I think I love her!"
She is super cute and luckily we found her home. So, happy ending and a little love brought into our house tonight. We are all (well, except Nala and Stella) a sucker for a cute dog!

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Not Ready Yet

We got an overload of information at the doctor's yesterday...and it hasn't been a good day in Benson Land. Maybe over the weekend, I will make a post and explain what I remember. Just keep us in your prayers.

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Nerves

Now that doctor appointment day is officially here...I am a bundle of nerves. I couldn't make myself fall asleep last night. Procedure and baby thoughts dancing in my head. Praying for a fast moving day to get me to the afternoon appointment time and concentration to teach my kids!
Not sure if I will post tonight or not...depends on what happens I guess!
It's all in God's hands.

Prayers much appreciated!

Monday, September 5, 2011

Labor Day Weekend

I feel like we should have done something exciting like camping...but I haven't been just feeling 100% lately. I think it's just exhaustion from working non-stop...so we had a quiet weekend at home. Friday night, Kevin took me out to dinner for Mexican - a favorite and then I went to bed early. Like I said, exciting! Saturday, I cleaned a little, ran a few errands and then crashed for napping with the pups.
Of course, we ordered pay-per-view and watched the Hogs. It was such a blow-out that it was a great first game for the Hogs, but made for a boring game. (Just my opinion...I like those down to the wire, blood pumping games!)
Sunday, brought church, more napping....


Today, we have been lazy again. Although we did drive around and look for some potential parking places for the concessions trailer. Hopefully, I am all rested up and ready to conquer the week! It's nice that it's only 4 days!
Oh, I got my pictures turned in for Jax's portrait. I sent the tomato pic as #1.
And, I'm pretty sure all the napping went to my head and I signed up to work the nursery once a month at church. What was I thinking?!? I haven't changed a diaper in 12 years!!!!
Keep us in your prayers tomorrow is our doctor appointment with Dr. Batres! :)