Thursday, September 29, 2011

The unknown worries...

What gets left out of updates and doctor reports is the day to day stress and worries that infertility leaves you with. It consumes your life. We are now entering the final stages of this journey, and it is impossible NOT to think about it daily. Why? Because you are either at the doctor, calling the doctor, waiting on a call from the doctor, or getting ready to go to the doctor! It starts to become your life - whether you like it or not. And, there is a catch-22 to letting people in on your journey. On the one hand, we need the prayers. On the other hand, there are many days and times when you just don't want to talk about it. You just want to be normal. Most of the time when you leave the doctor - good report or bad - you just need to breathe and take it in. Some people just get it. It's amazing how some have that sensitivity - even if they haven't been through it. And, some are just so clueless that quite frankly, you want to slap them. We don't need to hear things like "if you would just relax it would happen" or "what's wrong with you? why aren't you pregnant yet" or "here's what you need to do..."(really? because we've pretty much already tried all that!! thanks!). I will be honest, there are times, when even though you know it's wrong, you can't help but look at the mom yelling at Wal-Mart with the dirty, snotty nose kid and think "Really? Why does she get to be a mom and I don't?" Or the teenage mom that was recently arrested and they took her toddler from her when they found the house full of dog and human feces. Seriously? She gets to be a mom? And I might not? I KNOW I am not supposed to look at other people's journeys and only focus on mine. But I am human. Sometimes you have those thoughts. Then, there is the guilt. My poor husband is shouldering the fact that we are struggling because of his "swimmers". Oh, how I wanted that burden to be on me. But it's not. And, he is heartbroken and feels like this is all his fault. While I think it is a blessing we are only having trouble from one side and not both. And of course, there is the all consuming money concern. How in the world are we going to come up with $14,000? And then basically, put it on red? I mean, we have a 40% of success with IVF at $14,000 a pop. How do you get that out of the back of your mind? If I were in Vegas would I take that bet? NO!!! With those odds? NO WAY! But, with it being my only chance to be a mom, will I take those odds? You bet ya! I will find a way. If we have to take a second mortgage out on the house and live in debt for the rest of our lives. I'm taking the bet. I want to be a mom. I just never knew it would be such a wild ride to get there! We are both stressed and need a little prayer and some relief. Kevin's blood pressure is through the roof. My anxiety level is pretty high. We need prayer. We always appreciate your thoughts and prayers. But here is a request...I know you love us, but this is about to become a daily journey/battle, please check for updates here on the blog. It keeps me from having to talk about it over and over and reliving it. It is our way of sharing with you when we are ready. Let us bring it up to you rather than asking about it. Only because there are days when we are barely holding it together. And there are days when we are an open book. We love you and we are praying for a happy ending to this journey and understanding for why we are going through it. We know that God has a plan and it is in motion. We may not understand it, but we trust it.

2 comments:

Vader's Mom said...

Hugs and prayers my friend!

Val said...

I dont bring this subject up to you because I know how heartbreaking it is for you... So I read your blog... BUT I just want to say how mad I get when I have babies come into Childrens or my floor that have been abused or mistreated! I cant hardly stand it!! I cant help but get personally involved!! I get so angry!!! (Brian always hears me vent on this issue) I just cant get it!! THEN!!! These children usually go back to the parents who abused them or still have the boyfriend around who did... after being investigated by our DHS, which to me DHS is a joke!! (and thats me putting it sooo nice) Then in a month or so, these babies are right back in Childrens again!! What is wrong with our system and most of all what is wrong with these parents!!! It BREAKS my heart to know how much you and Kevin want your own child and then these people that have no business having their own child, can!!!! I know these are not encouraging words for you, but I share your anger in some of these undeserving people. I know I'm being judgemental, and were not suppose too, but this is so hard for me to comprehend. Because I know what wonderful parents you and Kevin would be. I have such a hard time understanding why it hasnt happened for you two yet! So in saying that, I can only imagine yours and Kevins feeling on this is a 100xs harder or even greater. I just pray for Gods peace to overcome you and Kevin, and that you guys be strong for one another when its needed by the other. Hold tight to God and your faith. He is the way and he will get you guys where he wants you to be. Love you guys! Val