Sunday, September 18, 2011

What I left out...

So here is the part I left out when I updated about our doctor appointment. We have been on a serious roller coaster ride around here. For whatever spiteful reason, my body decided to play a nasty trick on us. I skipped my cycle. Never happened before. Usually first sign of pregnancy and our hopes were WAY up! How awesome would it be to say that we didn't need the doctor's help after all and Jesus get ALL the glory?!? Pretty awesome! I had several other symptoms too, but we were getting negative urine tests. I think I took about 5 before we even saw Dr. Batres! Then, he did a blood test that came back negative. We still didn't give up hope because there are lots of women who get negative results and end up being pregnant. At about 20 days late, we were pretty certain I was pregnant. The medicine the doctor gave me to make me start my cycle was having no effect. I was tired. I was cranky. I had frequent urination. I had nausea. Yep, we were convinced. We were excited. We just knew. Then, Friday, our hopes were crushed. Our dream again shattered. Again, it wasn't meant to be. We prayed. We cried. We prayed some more. We leaned on some friends and family. And, yet, as crazy as it sounds, I still have a sliver of hope until after my doctor appointment tomorrow. I just can't give up. I mean, come on, how else would they be able to have a show about "I didn't even know I was pregnant." Seriously? It could happen!
Anyway - there you have it, for a few short weeks, we thought maybe. We were happy but yet scared to be happy. And, in the end, Big Bear took it really hard. I hurt more for him then for our crushed dream. It is hard to see a man cry. It breaks my heart. So, for now, I have to be strong and keep my chin up. I have an appointment tomorrow to see what is going on and get an ultrasound of my ovary with the cysts. Plus, have some pre-screening tests ran. And, so the infertility journey continues. I believe with all my heart that God is preparing us for something big. For a joy so huge that we can't even comprehend it. I believe we will be parents and our hearts will practically burst with all the love we have for our child. I believe....and I pray. Please pray for me tomorrow. And, say an extra prayer for my Big Bear. The emotions are on edge.

No comments: