Monday, October 31, 2011

Happy Halloween!




We're just waiting on the rest of our Trick-or-Treaters! :)

Sunday, October 30, 2011

What I know...

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trails of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." James 1:2-4
"Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial,, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him." James 1:12

Is it an accident that this was my Daily Bread reading on Friday? I don't believe in accidents or luck anymore. I know all things are guided by God.
I saw another side in David's calm spirit: I am unable to understand all that God is doing in me, and it is impossible to try. David draws a comparison between a weaned child that no longer frets for what it once demanded, and a soul that has learned the same lesson. It is a call to learn humility, patient endurance, and contentment in all circumstances-whatever they are-though I do not understand God's reasons. Divine logic is beyond the grasp of my mind. I ask, "Why this affliction? Why this anguish?" The Father answers, "Hush, child. You wouldn't understand if I explained it to you. Just trust Me!" So, I turn from contemplating David's example to ask myself: Can I, in my circumstances, "hope in the Lord"? Can I wait in faith and patience without fretting and without questions God's wisdom? Can I trust Him while He works in me His good, acceptable and perfect will?

These things I know for sure, you can knock me down, but I don't stay down for long. And, in every instance in my life that has been a trial, I have come out the other side of it stronger. How we handle trials in life make us into who we are. My faith has been tested lately. But, the devil cannot win. I know that Jesus has been carrying me lately and hasn't let go. I will continue to seek His guidance and do my best to follow.

Thursday, October 27, 2011

I surrender!

I seriously cannot win for losing! I give up! It is one craptastic thing after another!!!!

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Today I am thankful ...

...for friends who are willing to let us inside their most private and personal journey to show us the IVF ropes. My mind is still reeling from actually seeing all the medicine, shots, and schedules. But, even after all the scary needles and realizations of just how life consuming this will be, I know we have to do it. We were both sort of having our doubts, thinking we couldn't handle it emotionally and/or financially. But, deep down, I know I have to "buck up" and do it. If I don't, I will always wonder "what if". I feel a little more prepared for what lies ahead after tonight. Praise Jesus for friends who are willing to share their story. :)

Monday, October 24, 2011

Today I am thankful ...

...for another medical bill that only came to $13 and some change! Let's keep this line of billing going!!
...for blogs like this one: 999 Reasons to Laugh . You really must check it out. Especially if you are struggling with infertility!!

Sunday, October 23, 2011

Today I am thankful ...

...for our church. I love our church family! I love that I have a preacher that is so approachable and knows me when I walk in the door. I love that I feel like I can talk to him about anything. I hate that when our hearts are hurting, he hurts too. But, I love that he cares about us that much.
...for a husband who was asked to teach our Sunday School class today. So proud of him!
...for a clean garage!!! I can't believe we finally cleaned it! It's amazing what you can do when are stuck at home because you have no money! HA!
...the laugh I got when I heard Rex bark from the back of the house and then cry and run. As I see him running down the hall, Nala is on his heels in fast pursuit! She chased him until he fell over at the ottoman and then proceeded to slap him a few times. Not sure what he did to start it, but I wish I had it on camera! He looked scared to death and she was MAD!

Saturday, October 22, 2011

Today I am thankful ...

...for a medical bill that was only $3 and some change! I can handle that one!
...that Nala is still taking her insulin shots like it's no big deal.
...for being able to sleep in with Big Bear.
...for the laugh Rex gave me this morning when he couldn't wake us up to feed him. He resorted back to his dumpster diving days and decided to "clean" up last nights dinner plates. (He got in trouble before I laughed and went back to bed!)

Thursday, October 20, 2011

Today I am thankful ...

...that I have no idea what it feels like to go to bed hungry. As strapped for cash as we get at times, we are always able to pay our bills and have food on the table. Thank you Jesus for always providing for our needs.

I am thankful for friends who send me verses like this: (I've read it numerous times in the past week!)
Even when we are too weak to have any faith left, He remains faithful to us and will help us, for he cannot disown us who are part of Himself, and He will always carry out His promises to us.
II Timothy 2:13

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Just some thoughts...

I considered for a few days stopping blogging for awhile. Not because I wanted to, because ultimately the blog is for me. It's my journal. It's how I get things out. But because some people just don't "get it", and I thought maybe retreating would be a better way for me to find some peace of mind. And then, I got an email from a friend who is going through the exact same thing right now and every single thought and feeling she expressed in her email was EXACTLY what I have been thinking, feeling, and doing!!! Amen! I may be crazy, but I am not alone!! And, then I thought, there are more than 2 of us out there. And, if my journal of MY feelings helps just one single person out there feel the slightest bit validated in their infertility struggles, then putting up with a few people that just don't "get it", will be worth it!! Before I go any further, I want anyone reading this that has kids of their own to stop and think for a minute. To even come close to putting yourself in our place, imagine, just imagine, what life would be like without your child. Imagine no first moments, no hearing "I love you mommy", no first day of school, no Christmas presents to put together in anticipation of Santa, no graduations, no grandkids, no children's laughter, no hands reaching up for you to hold them....just imagine for a moment that all those moments that you have been blessed with...imagine life without them. THEN, you can give me advice. THEN, maybe you can tell me how to feel. And, I didn't even have a pity party or cry a tear just then. It's acceptance that may or may not be God's will for my life. I know He has a plan. I know He knows what is best for me. He can certainly make better plans for my life than I can. But, I still get to have emotions and feel the pain. I am human, and disappointment hurts. But this isn't the first hard ball life has thrown my way, and I am sure it won't be the last. I have overcome before, and I will again. Thank you, thank you, thank you for all the prayers. I am beyond blessed to have so many people praying for me. We certainly need them right now.
Dear Lord, please help me have patience and faith while I wait to hear from You. Help me live in excited anticipation for the day when I will see how You answer my prayers. In Jesus’ Name, Amen.

Sunday, October 16, 2011

Honesty

I am not going to try to cover it up or lie. I'm still not doing good. I feel like I am barely holding it together most days, and I can't get out of the slump. I don't want to talk to anyone or be around anyone. And, I cry at the drop of a hat. I cried a lot yesterday. My poor husband is being a trooper but I think he has about had it with me. I know I am under a big spiritual warfare cloud right now. I am reading my Bible every day, going to church, praying, and doing my Bible Study. I am doing all those things because I KNOW that God is the only answer to get out of this funk I am in. But, if I am going to be really honest with you. I am doing those things, but I am not feeling it. I think I may take a break from facebook for awhile (it's toxic in more ways than one) and if I blog, for awhile I may force myself to just list things I am grateful for that day. I don't know what else to do...the only time I really feel ok is when I am work because I forget everything else and focus on work. I forget how poor we are, how infertile we are, how our yard looks like white trash, and the house needs to be cleaned. I forget. Then, it's like something clicks when I get in the car to go home. And, my shoulders are heavy again. I don't know what to do to get over all this except pray and keep reading my Bible. Life is a series of ups and downs and I know it will get better...hang in there with me!

Thursday, October 13, 2011

Birthday Girl!

That's right! It's Nala Girl's 15th birthday!! And she wants to tell you her story!
15 years is a long time to be together. My mom says I've been with her longer than anyone. I love her. She really spoils me, because she always wanted an orange tabby and that's ME! I was born in a barn a few days within my brother, Simba's litter, so grandma and mom "guess" that today is my birthday. They know they are within a day or two of it, so we settled on the 13th of October. Can you believe I was born in a barn? Those days are sooooo behind me! My original family included Rocky (the rottie), Jax (who mom refers to as the best dog ever), and Simba (my brother...we share a daddy?). Here is a picture of my mom with me, Simba and Jax. I was NOT very happy here at all!

And this is me with my brother, Simba. He passed away earlier this year. We think he had a heart attack. I told him to stop going out there and hunting, but he loved it. Me? I prefer the indoors, the soft fabrics, the air conditioner, the peace and quiet. I do miss my brother though. He was my sidekick for over 14 years. It was hard to say goodbye, even if he did annoy me sometimes. I mean, what are brothers for, right?
Everyone except my mom thinks it is ridiculous that I prefer to drink my water out of the tap. I say, what is better than fresh water? And, yes, I let it run down my head first. Don't judge!
After Rocky and Jax passed away, mom and dad eventually got new puppies. What a pain that was! I hated them for the first two years pretty much. I've only decided to try and like them now that Simba is gone and I have no one else to talk to while mom and dad are at work. I do love to bully the boxer though. Shhh! He's so easy to pick on! He's terrified of me. The other one, Stella, she's too dumb to even know to be scared. And her tail drives me crazy!!
If I had a choice, I'd take my Simba back!!
And if we are being completely honest, I'd take Jax back too. He was SO much calmer. I could cuddle on the couch with him. Not these two new morons!! Oh well, maybe I can get them trained!!

Just recently I was diagnosed with diabetes. I am trying to be brave for my mom. She was nervous about giving me shots, but I am being extra good for her. She said she wants many more years with me because she loves me so much. My birthday wish is for many more years with her too. I love nothing more than sitting in her lap and letting her love on me! Happy Birthday to Me!

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

No News=Good News

On the infertility talk anyway...for now, we are in a "wait" stage. Kevin is on some antibiotics and once he finishes those, he takes in a sample two weeks later. Then, I think, all our testing will be complete and we will really know where we stand. A.K.A. when we get the official "label" and insurance goes bye bye! I am trying to put it all out of my mind. It was consuming my thoughts (mainly the money part)...well, and I was having some "unfairness issues." I know people are praying for us, and I can feel those prayers. I am much stronger this week than I was last week. Much less weepy! :) Keep them coming!!!

Sunday, October 9, 2011

Hog Road Trip

Kevin's sister had 6 tickets to the Hog game yesterday, and lucky for us, we got to tag along!! We love us some Hogs!! And, to be there in person is way better than watching on TV. It is a 3 hour drive to get there and we went and came back in the same day. So, we got in at 3 am this morning. But, it was awesome! Above is the view from Kevin's seats!! Wow - right? Kevin, John (the bro-in-law), Ethan (the nephew) and Allison (Ethan's girlfriend) all sat together here.
Towards the end of the game when people knew we had for sure won it and were leaving, Rhonda and I joined them for a bit. But, for the majority of the game, we had these seats below: Still not bad!! We had cover (not that it rained! ha), a tv monitor, bathrooms and concessions close by! All the seats were in the East Outdoor Club...basically, we could never score seats like these unless we get to tag along with Kevin's sister!! And, oh, how we needed a break. It was a great day, and I got an AWESOME Razorback purse. But, I am a walking zombie today!! :)
Thanks John and Rhonda! You ROCK!

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

The results are in...

The good news: It's treatable and should have many more years together! And, Nala did a little better at the vet this time. A little...not much! ha!
The bad news: $300 today alone and Nala has a UTI and is diabetic. That means antibiotics for the UTI (not fun with a cat!!) and insulin shots twice a day for the rest of her life. One bottle of insulin = $100 if you were wondering. I'll keep you posted on how long it lasts!! So...looks like we'll be getting a credit card just for me and Nala and our many medical bills! We are both totally worth it though! :)

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

Kitty Prayers

Little Miss Fluff...aka Nala...aka Nonna Girl is going to the vet tomorrow. Now, she is NO treat at the vet. She turns from this sleeping fluff of beauty into a real beast. It's not pretty. Ever! But, my girl is 15 years old now and we are having some issues, so tomorrow we get checked out. And, I am hoping for the best results. I even went and got her a new pink carrier for her trip...hoping the comfort of it helps. (yeah, right!) This is how she reacted when I showed her: (her not so happy face!)

"Woman, I am NOT going in there!"

"Dream on!"
You know it doesn't ever rain at the Benson house, it pours buckets! We don't need any bad news, so let's pray some healthy kitty prayers please!

Monday, October 3, 2011

Better day...

Today was better. Only because I have the best friends and an awesome job and some amazing kids in my class!!!
And, to Carey, thanks! The brownie invite was perfect timing!! Love ya!


Chin is up!! About to start a new Bible Study...let's get this journey back on track.

Sunday, October 2, 2011

Pity Party anyone?

I'm having one today...want to join? I just can't seem to wrap my head and heart around this whole journey. Why am I suddenly struggling so hard? We've been trying for 2 1/2 years!!! Why is it just now hitting me? Maybe because we are just now getting down to the serious part with the doctors. The end result is in sight. It's either going to be a no or a yes. And, the wait will be over. I've always been so scared to let my heart want to have a child for fear the answer would be no, and I would be heartbroken. I am just struggling right now with the "why?" Why do we have to go through this? Why does this person or that person get to be a mom so easily? What are we doing wrong? What else can we do? I don't know...I think I'm just scared the answer is no. I just don't get it. I may never.