Sorry for the silence, but we've been trying to find peace and acceptance with the news we got on Monday at the doctor's office. I can say that waiting a few days to share it has given me some time to reflect and be a little less "raw" with my feelings. The details aren't important, and I think the details will stay between me & Kevin. The main thing we got from Monday's appointment is that we will not be able to have children of our own. There. I said it. Well, I typed it. I'm still not sure I can say it. "We are unable to have children." However you want to word it. It's done. The journey came to an end on Monday. I had a nice cry on my way home, but for the most part, I feel like a huge burden has been lifted. This infertility has consumed our lives. It runs your life. Anyone that has gone through it knows. There just isn't a way around it running your world. And since August, I admit, I have been struggling with depression. It has really zapped the fun right out of this house. There has been no laughter. While I was depressed, Kevin temporarily "fell off the wagon" as they say. So, honestly, while it was hard to hear the words. It was also a bit of a relief. Finally, we have an answer. A definite. No more guessing. No more what if's. No more counting days. No more taking in samples and worrying about counts. No more doctor appointments and worrying about hormone levels. No more blood work. No more phone tag with the doctor's office. No more worrying and stressing over how in world we were going to pay for it all. No more!!! I feel like we can get our lives back. Finally. So, there it is. "We are unable to have kids of our own."
At this point, we are trying to just overcome. We are getting our lives back together. We are going to a Christian counselor to help us find acceptance and peace and most importantly our laughter!! I know we will be ok. It's just been a yucky year for us, and I personally will be glad to see 2011 leave. I look at 2012 with hope.
I appreciate each and every prayer. And, I would love it if you would keep praying for us, but in a new direction. Just pray for our peace of mind, acceptance for God's plan for our lives, and for us both to seek God's will in all our decisions. Feel free to share this with anyone you know who has been praying for us. I am so blessed to have so many prayer warriors that I don't even know how to reach them all!!!
I do have a small favor though. While you may want to say something about this to me or Kevin, for now, just leave it be and pray for us. I don't think I can handle talking about it over and over. I'm not there yet. It's only been a few days. And, while it may be tempting to share a story of someone you know who was told they couldn't have kids and then did, don't. Trust me, I've heard them. That is their journey. I need to make peace with mine.
I may not fully understand why this is happening or what God has in store, but I know He loves me and is walking beside me. He has something in store for us that we couldn't possible imagine. I believe that with all my heart.