My idea of therapy is probably very different than most! However, painting this room is a big dose of closure. It has been cleaned out for over 2 years now and ready to be a nursery. My scrapbook desk was the only thing that would have to find a new home. It was bittersweet last night putting the primer on. I always thought when this room was painted again, it would be with the anticipation of a baby Benson on the way. But, that isn't to be...so, rather than keep it ready to become "nursery" (and the dogs room!! They have taken over the twin bed and turned it into a big 'ole dog bed!!), it is becoming my craft room!! Let the crafting begin!
Last night, my emotions were full of anger and sadness while putting the primer on. Sadness of what wasn't to be. Sadness over all the unanswered questions of why? So many things I may never understand. Anger that while I have always tried to do the "right thing" and make the right choices, life just always seems so hard. Doesn't it seem like some people have such an easy walk through life? I am starting to think they just fake it better! And, some of my anger could have been directed at Big Bear who was "busy" playing on the computer instead of helping!!! :)
Today while painting, I tried to use it as my quiet time. Just me and God. And, here is what I got out of my time with Him and letting go of the baby thing. It isn't about what I want or what I dream for my life. It isn't about what I think I should have. It's about what God has planned for me and taking care of and loving what he has already given me. His plans are what I need to start looking for. What does He want me to have and what does He want me to do with my life? I am seeking my purpose and in the meantime, I am going to treasure the blessings I've already been given. I'm going to surrender MY dreams of being a mom and carrying a child, because God has a "greater yes" for me and in that is my purpose. I've just got to be ready to accept it.
*All I need is a second coat, a little laundry work, and some re-arranging! :)