Sunday, January 29, 2012

And the journey continues...

Anyone who has been around this blog or my life for any amount of time knows that life around here is full of surprises. Sometimes pleasant. Sometimes not. Let me take you to earlier in my week now that I can type/talk about it without crying. First, in your mind rewind to November 28th. The day we found out no children for the Benson's. Are you there? Then slowly walk through a torturous December. Depression. Blah's. Going through the motions. Now, just as slowly start clawing your way out of the pit with me. That's right. January. A new year. New beginnings. It's going to be GOOD! Put the past behind us. Make the most out of the situation. Let's just make peace that we can't have kids. Laughter returns. You get the point? You see where we are. Do you feel it?
Now, I find out I am getting a college student in my classroom to do her field study. No biggie. Not really excited about it, but I can make it work. I am hopeful it will be a better experience than I've had in the past with these kinds of things. Because after all, it is a new year with new beginnings. Right? College student is supposed to arrive on Friday. I will be ready for her and put her to work. But wait, it's Wednesday. Who is standing at my classroom door? That's not a parent!?! OH, it's my college student. 2 days early. I'm not expecting her. Have nothing ready for her yet. AND, even better, SHE'S 6 MONTHS PREGNANT!!!!!!!!!!! That's right folks! I get to spend every Wednesday from now until the first week of May with a pregnant college student following me around. Oh, joy! There are three, count them, three 4th grade teachers. There are 3 college students coming. What are the chances that I would get the pregnant one? Oh boy, oh boy!
Where does this take us? Right or wrong, and say what you want, but it takes us sliding back down. Yep. Lost count of how many times I almost cried on Wednesday alone. Then, I did let go when I got home. I was so upset with God and why he would do this. Because let's face it, there are no coincidences. God put this girl in my room. For some reason, we are supposed to be together. For the life of me, I have no idea why He wants me to go through this when I felt like I was just overcoming the battle. I have prayed. I have questioned. Well, and I'll be honest here. On Wednesday, I sulked like a baby and just flat out didn't talk to God. I was mad. I still don't know what He is up to with this. I was doing good, and since Wednesday, today is the first day that I haven't cried. Friday night, I cried myself to sleep so hard that the Saturday my eyes were swollen until well into the afternoon. Why? Why? Why? On the one hand, I think I can't take it. I can't do it. I just can't do it. Then, I think "I can do anything through Christ who strengthens me." Then, I think, WHY does he keep strengthening me? I should be so strong by now that I can lift my Tahoe with my bare hands!!!!!!!!! Seriously! I mean, let's face it, we all know my kids are going to be curious about her pregnancy. They are going to ask questions. Then, they are going to start asking when I am having a baby. Oh, it's coming. And, what in the world am I going to say??? I have only been able to say the words OUTLOUD without crying a hand full of times. Dread. That's what I feel. My safe place of work has been stolen. I have no clue why this is happening. But I have to once again rally. Suck it up. Make the best of it. Not let it get me down. Not look at other people's lives and wonder why they seem to have it so easy. Stay focused. Keep reading my Bible. Keep trusting. He has a plan. I just do NOT see it yet. Maybe He is trying to hit me over the head with a message. I don't know. But, I do know that I would appreciate some extra prayers every Wednesday. Please!!
And, that's not all. This journey gets more interesting. But, I'll continue that tomorrow. For, now, sit with where I was Wed. thru Sat. until tomorrow.....

2 comments:

Trina said...

First of all, I love your honesty. Anyone who said serving God was going to be lollipops and rainbows had never been on the real road with God. Look at Jesus Christ, God's only begotten Son...even he despaired at the road ahead of him. He didn't turn around, back down or call 10000 angels, but his heart was so heavy that he prayed so hard that his sweat dripped down like blood.
Secondly, I love that you KNOW there are no such things as coincidences. So what is God doing? Well you don't have the answer, because if you did you would do it freely and probably eagerly. This is where faith is critical. Where you lean on God no matter what, blindly. This is where you get REAL with who you are with Him. Do I love God enough to serve Him in good times and bad times...Nothing's a deal breaker in serving God. I don't know the answers that you seek, but know that this young lady that is with you is there for a blessing in disguise. I promise you that you can't pray, cry and plead with God and not have His attention. It's going to be hard. My heart goes out to you, but it WILL be good for you. And remember its not going to be EASY for anyone that serves the Lord. It has a lot of amazing benefits, but you will be tried. God chastens those that He loves...Im praying for you and keep up the posts!

Anonymous said...

Philippines 4:13. HE WILL!!