Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Discontentment

It's an ugly beast. I think it may be the best word to describe whatever "mood" is going on with me. I'm not happy with my house right now. Everywhere I look, I see a project or something that needs to be cleaned. School/classroom? Same thing. I can't get caught up. There is always something to do. I am having the hardest time getting into my Bible Study right now. I was so excited when it started because I thought "Life Interrupted" - a Bible Study about life not going as I expected. But, I'm frustrated because I'm not getting it. Then, last week, I had a near panic attack because I thought I needed to "get it" or else, God was going to send me the message another way. And, I am just tired of going through battles. I mean, I know I'm not supposed to look at other people's journeys and compare, but can't we all agree that Kevin and I have had our fair share of battles? We seem to attract them.
Anyway...I don't know what's going on with me. I feel like I'm at a crossroads of sorts. Which path to take? I don't know. I'm tired of being broke all the time. We both have some hard decisions there to make. Is it time to give up on the business? I don't know. I certainly hate to give up on a dream, but I also am tired of debt hanging over my head. Two solid incomes could solve some money problems, but money isn't everything. I would choose living with my best friend and him doing something he loves over having all the money to do what we wanted/needed. So...what to do? Then, there's the question everyone wants to know. What's going on with the child situation?!? I don't know!!! I have zero clue what God wants us to do. I am not feeling lead in one direction or the other. Maybe it's the whole getting closer to 40 thing. Maybe it's a mid-life crisis. Maybe it's coming down off the emotional infertility roller coaster. I'm not sure what's going on with me. The only thing I am sure of is that I don't know the answer to any of life's big questions right now. Career Paths? Business Paths? Child Paths? I don't know!! I feel like I am missing something. I'll let you know if I figure it out. OR, you let ME know if YOU do! :)

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