I do feel like I owe my close family and friends an apology of sorts. I've been one moody gal lately. I feel like most of the time I am just a big ole cranky blob of negative. And, unfortunately, those I am closest to have witnessed it the most. I have been most alive at work, because my kiddo's at school make the rest of the problems go away. I admit that I have been one small step away from depression since November 28th when we found out we couldn't have children. Every single day has been a battle of staying out of the pit. And, this is where I need to admit what I've come to realize lately. I've just been plain mad at God. My prayer life and quiet time have really suffered lately. It's almost like that friend that betrayed you and you avoid them - that's what I've been doing with God. After struggling through a Bible Study on Jonah for 5 weeks and not feeling like I was getting anything out of it, this week is all about being angry with God. hmmmmm!!! Jonah threw a temper tantrum with God, and that's pretty much what I've been doing. I just couldn't get past the "why's?" If anyone can relate or knows what I'm talking about, here are some things that have helped me this week:
*Priscilla Shirer says, "Bottom line, you have to trust God. When asking "Why would God allow this?", you just have to trust God."
*Priscilla Shirer says, "Your anger with God stems from a problem with pride." Ouch!!
*Here's a good one from Wednesday's nights study: Am I going to sulk over the things that I haven't been given that I miss out on the things I have? (Yes, Mom, I know you've also been trying to tell me this one!)
*Priscilla Shirer: What do you do when you've yielded to divine intervention but things still have not turned out as you'd like? You followed God's plan, resting in the comforting thought that at least some things might work out the way you wanted. Now, after the fact, you sit in stunned disbelief. Nothing turned out the way you'd hoped. Without verbalizing it and almost without even knowing it, you made a deal with God. You just knew He would up hold up His end. "Ok God. I'll do this if the result will be that." Obviously you forgot to shake hands on it because God didn't keep His part of the one-sided deal. You are upset, disappointed, and angry with God. Ever been there?
*Sent to me from a friend in a daily devotional and this part really stuck out to me:
But I have discovered a few things that help me when God seems silent…
* Press in to God when you want to pull away.
When I really want to hear from God but He seems silent, I sometimes find I want to disengage from my normal spiritual activities. Skip church. Put my Bible on my shelf. And let more and more time lapse between prayers.
But the Bible says we will find God if we seek Him with all our heart. Jeremiah 29:13, “You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.” All my heart includes the parts that are broken. Bring it all to God.He can handle your honesty and will respond. But we have to position ourselves to go where truth is. Go to church. Listen to praise music. Read verses. Memorize verses. And keep talking to God.
*I realized today in Sunday School that my prayer life has really suffered lately. Without even realizing it, I've been avoiding talking to God. I think in this week's study and at church today, He was letting me know my mourning time needs to wrap up. Stop being angry at Him and just trust.
*Jonah 4:4 "The Lord said, "Do you have good reason to be angry?"
*Psalm 1:1-2 "Blessed is the man who does not walk in the way of sinners or sit in the seat of mockers. But his delight is in the law of the Lord, and on his law he meditates day and night."
*Psalm 1:6 "For the Lord watches over the way of the righteous, but the way of the wicked will perish."
*Matthew 12:28-30 "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."
Forgive me for my weakness lately. Continue to pray. I know I am still on fragile ground, but I feel like I am climbing out of the despair and coming back to living life.