*Warning: This is not for gossip or for judging. This post is a glimpse inside my head and heart as I try to come to terms with a tough life circumstance. I can't talk about it. I can work things out by writing. If it helps only one person, that is a reason for this post.
No fluff...real deal. Here is where I am at and have been for about a month. I am over the sadness and depression. Now, I am just plain mad. Seriously! I just don't GET it. It makes ZERO sense to me that someone who smokes pot every day can have a kid but I can't. It makes ZERO sense to me that someone who abuses the children they have now can get pregnant yet AGAIN, but I can't. I could go on and on...but I won't. I KNOW I'm not supposed to look at other people's journeys. I KNOW I'm not supposed to judge. I KNOW all that. But, I'm not giving fluff. I'm being real. I don't get it and I'm quite frankly pissed about it. I know we aren't perfect but I also know we have a lot of love to give and would make good parents. But right now, I am trying to make peace with the fact that we won't be. I know there are other options for us but we have been through enough. We are not about to go through the heart ache of adoption or fostering. If years from now when our hearts are healed, we feel the call, then we will. But now, NO WAY!
My battle with all this is really affecting me spiritually. I knew I was mad when I stopped doing my Bible study. I usually do Bible Study every night. Not once in the past month. Just being honest here. I read my Daily Bread before I get out the car each morning. Hoping for a word. Something to help me make sense of it. Yesterday I read about unanswered prayers. I read about how I am supposed to keep praying. I read that delay doesn't mean no. Maybe it just isn't time. Oh, I can't open my heart back up to that possibility. I have to shut this down. The hurt is too intense to keep wanting and not having it. The disappointment is overwhelming. It is all consuming. I can't keep praying for a child. Then, I remember God gives us the desires of our heart. Psalm 37:4 Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart. I can't help but say "not always". Someone help me with this. Please!! And, please don't say He will change the desire of your heart to be what He wants. I cannot let myself think that my God would take someone who didn't think they were going to be able to have kids (think lonely marriage, not ideal for family, divorce in early 30's, remarried in mid-30's). I thought kids weren't in the cards for me. Why would He let the deepest desires of my heart become a possibility? Why let me think maybe I would get to be a mom and then take it away? Why let me get my hopes up that I would have a family and then tell me no? Why give me the desire in the first place? I may be mad but I don't want to think God would be cruel. I just can't make sense of any of it. I kept thinking someone would eventually say something that would make sense to me. It would "click" why God would deny this for us. No such luck. I am still lost. Is it bad that when I watched a video of a cardboard testimony, there were two infertility couples in the video that are pregnant after years of trying and it didn't give me joy. I literally thought, "doesn't happen for everyone." When someone has a baby and says "God has really blessed us. He is good." I think "not everyone. Why do they get their blessing but I can't have mine?" Oh, it's ugly. I know. But I have so much anger and disappointment right now, I can't even feel ashamed of my thoughts. I just keep looking for an answer that will help make it all make sense. I don't think I'll ever have it. I just have to make peace that some people get to have kids that will neglect them, give them away, ignore them, put them in danger, but I don't get to have one. period.
Today, in reading my Daily Bread, I came to the conclusion that I am looking for my answers in all the wrong places. No matter how mad I am, I need to get back in my Bible. My answers are there. I have stopped trusting. And, that, I think is the root of my problems. Proverbs 3:5-6 Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to Him and He will make your paths straight. My trust has wavered. I can't help but feel I am a disappointment in that in a time of great distress for me, I let my faith waver. I didn't keep standing and believing in Him. Matthew 11:28 Come to me, all who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest. I am weary. I am burdened. Tonight I will get back in my Bible. I will try to understand and let go. If I never understand, I will try to trust in the Lord with all my heart.
Keep praying for us please.