Wednesday, June 13, 2012

Keeping it Real

*Warning: This is not for gossip or for judging.  This post is a glimpse inside my head and heart as I try to come to terms with a tough life circumstance.  I can't talk about it.  I can work things out by writing.  If it helps only one person, that is a reason for this post.
No fluff...real deal.  Here is where I am at and have been for about a month.  I am over the sadness and depression.  Now, I am just plain mad.  Seriously!  I just don't GET it. It makes ZERO sense to me that someone who smokes pot every day can have a kid but I can't.  It makes ZERO sense to me that someone who abuses the children they have now can get pregnant yet AGAIN, but I can't.  I could go on and on...but I won't.  I KNOW I'm not supposed to look at other people's journeys.  I KNOW I'm not supposed to judge.  I KNOW all that.  But, I'm not giving fluff.  I'm being real.  I don't get it and I'm quite frankly pissed about it.  I know we aren't perfect but I also know we have a lot of love to give and would make good parents.  But right now, I am trying to make peace with the fact that we won't be.  I know there are other options for us but we have been through enough.  We are not about to go through the heart ache of adoption or fostering.  If years from now when our hearts are healed, we feel the call, then we will.  But now, NO WAY!  
My battle with all this is really affecting me spiritually.  I knew I was mad when I stopped doing my Bible study.  I usually do Bible Study every night.  Not once in the past month.  Just being honest here.  I read my Daily Bread before I get out the car each morning.  Hoping for a word.  Something to help me make sense of it.  Yesterday I read about unanswered prayers.  I read about how I am supposed to keep praying.  I read that delay doesn't mean no.  Maybe it just isn't time.  Oh, I can't open my heart back up to that possibility. I have to shut this down.  The hurt is too intense to keep wanting and not having it.  The disappointment is overwhelming.  It is all consuming.  I can't keep praying for a child.  Then, I remember God gives us the desires of our heart. Psalm 37:4 Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart.  I can't help but say "not always".  Someone help me with this.  Please!!  And, please don't say He will change the desire of your heart to be what He wants.  I cannot let myself think that my God would take someone who didn't think they were going to be able to have kids (think lonely marriage, not ideal for family, divorce in early 30's, remarried in mid-30's).  I thought kids weren't in the cards for me.  Why would He let the deepest desires of my heart become a possibility?  Why let me think maybe I would get to be a mom and then take it away?  Why let me get my hopes up that I would have a family and then tell me no?  Why give me the desire in the first place?  I may be mad but I don't want to think God would be cruel.  I just can't make sense of any of it.  I kept thinking someone would eventually say something that would make sense to me.  It would "click" why God would deny this for us.  No such luck.  I am still lost.  Is it bad that when I watched a video of a cardboard testimony, there were two infertility couples in the video that are pregnant after years of trying and it didn't give me joy.  I literally thought, "doesn't happen for everyone."  When someone has a baby and says "God has really blessed us.  He is good."  I think "not everyone. Why do they get their blessing but I can't have mine?"  Oh, it's ugly.  I know.  But I have so much anger and disappointment right now, I can't even feel ashamed of my thoughts.  I just keep looking for an answer that will help make it all make sense.  I don't think I'll ever have it.  I just have to make peace that some people get to have kids that will neglect them, give them away, ignore them, put them in danger, but I don't get to have one. period.  
Today, in reading my Daily Bread, I came to the conclusion that I am looking for my answers in all the wrong places.  No matter how mad I am, I need to get back in my Bible.  My answers are there.  I have stopped trusting.  And, that, I think is the root of my problems.  Proverbs 3:5-6 Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to Him and He will make your paths straight.  My trust has wavered.  I can't help but feel I am a disappointment in that in a time of great distress for me, I let my faith waver.  I didn't keep standing and believing in Him.  Matthew 11:28 Come to me, all who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest.  I am weary.  I am burdened.  Tonight I will get back in my Bible.  I will try to understand and let go.  If I never understand, I will try to trust in the Lord with all my heart.  
Keep praying for us please.


Anonymous said...

I keep that verse from Proverbs in open view on my fridge at all times and come back to it often. Lots of worn out things to say - count your blessings, trust, and all but personally I think it is OKAY to be mad! God gave us emotion and feeling and I believe he understands. He's never left your side and won't because mad or not, you've given your heart to Him. I don't think you should beat yourself up for being mad, for grieving, for any of the range of emotions. I will continue to pray for strength for you on the journey.

Laura said...

My heart hurts so much for you. I'm always praying. I wish I had answers for you. We don't get answers to the questions we have for God during our lives. If we did, we would never learn how to trust in God and have faith. I think the best thing that you can do right now is just pray for peace and acceptance and for God to show you where your life is supposed to go / what you are supposed to be doing to fulfill your life's destiny...your purpose. Because, until you can heal and obtain peace, you are going to be stuck in this stage of grief and my heart hurts to think of you there. Just keep remembering that God has great plans for you. You are AMAZING and I'm so proud and lucky to have you as a friend!! You are so honest and smart and you DO have a big heart and lots of love to give. God is not done. Your life is not over. You've just hit a cross-roads with NO MAP which can be ridiculously scary. This is where FAITH comes in that God will lead you down the right path to live the most fulfilling life possible. I wish I could fix everything for you and take away the hurt. All I know is that everyone goes through trials in life and if you can recover and heal from this and rise above and conquer/succeed your trial, you grow spiritually and are ready for what God has to offer to you next. I am actually encouraged that you are in this stage of "anger" means that you are healing and moving on. So, be glad today that you are making progress and pray for peace and acceptance so that you can move on to your life's purpose. Don't forget, it's OKAY to be angry. God has been angry with us (humans) which is very evident in the Bible and we are created in his image. It's a natural stage and just recognize that it is what it is and talk with God - HONESTLY, talk to God and ask him to heal you so that you can move on through the process until you finally reach acceptance and hope and THEN God can show you "what's next". Love you and see you Friday. If you feel like talking then, I'm ALWAYS available to listen. I'll even "pause" Duck Dynasty to listen. HAHAHA - just kidding.