Sunday, October 7, 2012

Truth Time

Turns out I'm not out of the woods yet.  I think I just tried to pretend I was ok so everyone would stop worrying about me.  In effect, I simply suppressed everything.  How do I know?  Well, two Sunday's ago, my Sunday School teacher stopped me after class to talk to me about when "kids" and "babies" come up in class as examples that he was aware it wasn't easy for me and he was sensitive to that.  What did I do?  Broke down in tears.  Broke down.  Couldn't even speak.  A week or two prior, I had walked out of Bible Study crying because I couldn't voice my prayer request of "having peace over not being able to have children of my own."  I couldn't SAY it.  I could only write it down.  Cry and walk out.  Fast forward to last Sunday and a friend's baby's christening.  Luckily we were setting up the food when I had to walk out crying.  The verse "For this child I prayed, and the Lord has granted me what I asked of Him." 1Samuel 1:27 is a blessing to so many, but for me, it rips at my heart, because I prayed but my answer was no.  I've had a down week, but I am fighting it.  I have fought and lost it many times this weekend.  I cried myself to sleep Friday and Saturday night.  I woke up Saturday crying.  That's not ok.  I know I am going to get through this because I am putting my trust in God and have the support of an amazing husband.  Poor Kevin takes the brunt of my emotional roller coaster.  But, I also think a piece of my heart will just always be broken.  It is heartwarming to me the friends in my life who truly get that.  Bless my two co-workers who didn't even tell me their sisters were pregnant!!  They have only been in my life for a little over a year, but we are together all day every day and they were around for the toughest part of the infertility journey. On the one hand, I am grateful they think about my feelings so much and are so protective.  On the other hand, I hate that it has to be like that.  I can't even express how much I love those that are sensitive to what we are going through.  I wish I could explain that while I am happy for those that can have children, I don't want to hear about it.  Some days, the words pregnant or baby don't bother me at all and some they make me uncomfortable and I want to run/bolt out of the room.  It's so hard to put into words all the feelings and emotions.  I honestly think it just doesn't make sense unless you've been through it.  So here I am trying to be honest and hoping it helps someone.  Although, this is a journey I wouldn't wish on anyone.  When you pray, please pray for my peace and acceptance.  We are not looking into adoption for many reasons.  We have decided to find acceptance and peace with God's no.  Have patience.  I know I am not myself yet, but I am fighting daily for happiness.

1 comment:

Laura said...

I'm so sorry this is still so painful. I pray everytime I talk to you that I don't unintensionaly say anything to upset you. Love you always!