Saturday, April 13, 2013

Ponderings...

This week was testing week.  During testing week, teachers have A LOT of "think time".  Why?  Because for almost 3 hours a day, all we can do is walk around and around the classroom while the kids take the test.  We can't stop walking, and we aren't supposed to look at the test.  What does that leave?  THINK TIME!  And lots of it.  So, somehow this week, I really pondered where I am in life.  40.  How in the world am I 40?  Where did the time go?  This is definitely NOT where I thought I'd be at 40.  I guess career wise, I am just now starting to be ready to utilize my masters degree and move into a library.  I have updated the 'ole resume'.  Now to wait for the job opening.  Check that off the list.  Personal life?  Wow!  I never imagined at 40 that #1) I wouldn't be a mom.  #2) I'd still be struggling with money. #3) I'd be a little lost as to "who" I am and what my purpose truly is.  Nothing I can do about the mom thing except trust in Jesus.  Money. Urgh!  I get so sick of stressing over it.  I don't even have a goal or desire to be "rich".  I just want to be able to comfortably pay my bills, occasionally take a freakin' vacation, and be able to fix problems or pay for them when they come up.  Solution?  Anyone?  I'm already working two jobs and so is Kevin.  As for #3...I think somehow in the midst of all the infertility struggles, followed by a good year or so of depression, I have lost something along the way.  I know I lost contact with a lot of people (family and friends).  Depression will do that for you. And sometimes, Kevin and I felt we were the only ones we could turn to.  No one else seemed to understand.  But, now we are left trying to figure out where to go from here.  Life without being a parent.  What does it mean for us?  What is our purpose?  I think mine may be wrapped up in my career. I'm not sure.  I'm seeking God's guidance on all the above.  I have realized that most days I don't think about it anymore.  That's good. However, I also know when I am not expecting it, out of the blue, it will hit me like a ton of bricks.  The pain of not getting to be a mom and the absolute unfairness of it all can practically rip your heart to pieces.  But, when I feel myself falling, I have to look up.  I have to remember God has a plan.  I think of all the "testimonies" in my life, this is the one I will struggle with the most.  I am making a promise with myself to continue in my Bible Studies and trusting in Jesus, seeking His guidance in all I do, and doing my absolute best to bring my laughter back and leave my stress behind.

Matthew 6:34 (I need to START with this DAILY!  My life verse!)
34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

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