Thursday, May 23, 2013

Overwhelmed...and humbled

Where to start?!?  God is moving us in so many different directions right now - in life and with jobs that I KNOW He is preparing us for something.  But I'm not sure what.  I can share some of what I know, so let me try and I will try to keep it short and sweet and to the point, but I am not making any promises because my mind is going in a million different directions.
It sure seems like God is preparing our hearts and moving us in the direction of adoption.  I won't go into all the details, except to say some things have happened that just have "it's a God thing" written all over them.  I guess it all started about a month ago.  And, I can tell you that in the beginning, I was overcome with a feeling that I can't even put into words.  You see, for so long, I refused to even THINK about adoption.  After the pure heartbreak of infertility and finding out we couldn't have kids of our own, the last thing I ever wanted to do was go through a rigorous adoption process only to get turned down based on Kevin's past.  I didn't want to put him or myself through that pain.  I thought it best that we just accept we weren't going to be parents.  But, I think MY plans and thoughts may not be lining up with God's plans.  I put God in a box with my plans.  My faith took a direct hit with the infertility, and I temporarily forgot just how big our God is!  He has shown us that not only does He forgive Kevin's past, but so will the "adoption world".  So...where do we go from here?  First, I dropped to my knees and praised Jesus!  I felt like my heart would burst and not in a heartbroken way, but in a full of joy way!  I felt like a whole world that I thought was closed to us had been opened up.  I couldn't even say the words "I might get to be a mom" and not burst into tears.  I just didn't think it would happen.  But all things are possible with God.  All things.  Faith of a mustard seed.  That's all it takes.
Now, I am trying to gather facts for us.  We know nothing about adoption.  Nothing.  I have talked to friends who have adopted and that's about it.  I have always said that I felt God would send us an older child that needed to be loved, and I still feel that way.  I do not think we are going in the direction of infant or toddler, but school-age.  Of course, I will go in whatever direction He leads me.
I want to be as open about this journey as possible.  I want to hear people's stories.  I want to soak in as much knowledge as possible.  Mostly, I want prayers.  Prayers for guidance.  Prayers for wisdom to see what He wants for us.  Prayers for me not to fear the potential of the pain of rejection in this process.  Prayers that I not fear the process period.  It is scary to me to have someone come in and evaluate our ability to be a parent.  I just looked through some information on international adoption and felt myself getting nervous.  It is so overwhelming.  All the things to go through....
It was difficult to be open and share during the infertility process, because it was so emotional and up and down.  It was personal. It was hard to talk to anyone except those who had been through it.  And, I apologize for that.  I am sorry to those of you who loved us and prayed for us but just didn't know what to say.  We know you loved us and prayed us through it.  We have finally come to the other side of that battle and are trusting God in this new journey He is putting us on.  No matter how this all turns out, I have to TRUST He is in control.  He has a PLAN.  I will not FEAR.  
Proverbs 3:5-6 Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.  In all your ways submit to Him and He will make your paths straight.
Isaiah 41:10 Fear not, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God.  I will strengthen you and help you.; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
Matthew 17:20 Truly I tell you, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there,' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you.

Prayer warriors, I know you are all over this! :-)

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