Monday, June 30, 2014

Sucker Punch

Well, today was my annual girl doctor appointment, and I admit the waiting room of expectant mom's with their husbands sent me into a downward spiral of sadness.  Definitely time to find a doctor that doesn't also deliver babies. I honestly didn't see it coming.  But today, the looks on the couples faces - the hope, the excitement, the nervousness - I was sad for all that we lost.  We didn't get to experience that.  We never will.  It just doesn't seem fair.  My heart hurt for Kevin too.  I was watching those dad's-to-be and couldn't help but think I wasn't able to give that feeling or experience to Kevin.  His heart breaks too over the child we never got to have.  Today was a sucker punch of life.  Just one of those days that you don't see coming that throws you into a pit of heartbreak.  You never know when it will hit.  For Kevin, it was watching the videos of the graduates at his nephew's graduation.  You know the video that shows the kid as a baby and a toddler and over the years up to graduation.  Yep, I looked over and he was crying.  Not crying because his nephew was graduating, but crying over what we would never have.  You think it is heartbreaking to sit in a lobby full of pregnant women, it is truly heartbreaking to watch your husband cry and know you can't do a thing to fix it and it just isn't fair.  For the most part, we cope with it just fine.  We purposely avoid certain situations - baby showers, mothers/fathers day at church - I guess people can judge us for avoiding instead of just facing it head on.  But, I look at it like this, you don't  go to bars with an alcoholic.  You keep them away from it for their sobriety.  Well, we stay away from "all things baby" if at all possible for our sanity.  Our happiness.  I am beginning to realize it will probably always be there lurking in the background for us.  That sadness over what we wanted so badly and just couldn't have.  Sometimes it seems like life has dealt us more than was necessary in the pain department, but God doesn't promise us an easy life.  I have to get up tomorrow and count my blessings.  There are plenty.  So, so, so many blessings, but there is also a part of me that is just broken and I pray that someday it heals and I have peace about it all.
John 16:33 "I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace.  In this world you will have trouble.  But take heart!  I have overcome the world."

1 comment:

Vader's Mom said...

Hugs my sweet, sweet friend.